Introductory Post #2: My Perspective

Note: If you have not already read the first post, you will find it helpful to read these introductory posts in order, as they set the background of this blog and the groundwork for what lies ahead. Click here to read the first post.

[edited 5/23/07 reason: minor clarification]

Several years ago, I had the opportunity to visit Ghana in West Africa. The currency in Ghana is the cedi (pronounced see-dee). One day, we were going to cross the border from Ghana into the neighboring country of Togo. As we went through customs, the Ghanaian official pointed to a black case in my bag and asked me what was in it. Helpfully, I pointed to that case which held my music collection and answered that the case was full of CD's. The official's eyes widened, and suddenly I was being grilled by his supervisor as to why I would try to smuggle Ghanaian currency out of the country. Fortunately, he was patient with me as I explained that what he heard me say was not actually what I truly said, although it sounded the same.

To communicate effectively, both members of a discussion must be sure that they are hearing what the other is actually saying, not what they assume the other would say.For communication to be effective, both members of a conversation must be sure that they are hearing what the other is actually saying, not what they assume the other would say. Carefully defining our terms and choosing our vocabulary precisely is essential, particularly with such a volatile topic as homosexuality, where emotions and passions can run high and cloud otherwise clear-thinking people's judgment and opinions. We also must be committed to patiently hearing each other, not trying to play "gotcha" and catch someone on a technicality to prove some tangential point, but rather lovingly seeking what Scripture actually teaches.

So allow me to share a bit of my perspective on this topic to better help you, the reader, to understand where I am coming from as I write:

From birth, I lived in a Christian home, raised by God-loving parents and attending extremely-conservative Baptist churches. I had a fairly idyllic childhood, quite sheltered from many of the harsh realities of life. My parents, though not perfect, loved me dearly, and I never doubted that. They illustrated (and continue to illustrate) to me what a godly, loving home and marriage relationship should be like. I was never sexually abused. I was not physically abused. My parents were not emotionally distant from me. I was not exposed to pornography or any sexual materials at an early age. In fact, I found out about sex for the very first time when I was 13 years old and my father sat me down for the "birds and bees" talk. Before that day, I seriously had no clue that men and women had different "equipment" or how any of the reproductive process worked (yes, I really was that sheltered).

But from an early age, I related to boys differently than I did to girls. Although I lived two houses from my two female cousins and had another good female friend next door to me, I found myself much more interested, as early as the third grade, to spend time with my guy friends. And, beginning in the third grade, I often found myself drawn to one or another guy friend more than the others. By the sixth grade, more than a year before I even found out what sex was, I had my first crush, on a guy in my class at school. I could not have explained to you what I was feeling if I had wanted to; all I knew was that I liked him and it made me very happy to be around him and to know that he enjoyed being with me. I had no idea what "gay" was, and I never told my friend or anyone else what I was feeling. Even as sheltered as I was, I knew that all the couples I had seen were girls and boys and that it would definitely not be a good thing for me to tell my friend I liked him.

During high school, my attractions became more consciously sexual, but other than some simple (and quite tame) experimentation with a friend, I never acted upon my homosexual attractions, for I was told by my churches that homosexuality was basically a one-way ticket to hell with little or no hope of change. I worked hard through high school and college to eradicate these attractions, believing I had some deep sin problem because I felt as I did (in spite of never acting upon the attraction with another person). I dedicated my life to God to use as He would choose, and I completed undergraduate ministry degrees followed by a master's degree in theology. I was ordained by my local Baptist church and served for 3 years in full-time pastoral ministry. Throughout this time I continued to do everything I could imagine to eliminate the attraction to other men.

Finally, after 3 years in ministry, I hit a very low point and became frightened that I would end up hurting the reputation of my Savior by someday finally failing to resist and scandalizing my church and ministry. So, I went to the head pastor of my church and told him about my struggle, hoping he would offer counsel to help me. Instead, I was dismissed that day from my position in the ministry, followed by a stay in an ex-gay ministry, grilling by people in the church asking if I had molested their sons, and finally my being forced to stand before our church congregation, be publicly rebuked (though I still had not been with another man), and ultimately expelled from the church and my pastor telling me he would pray for God to kill me. My family reacted in great emotion and anger, nearly pushing me to the point of cutting off communication with them altogether.

As you may imagine, in spite of being a fairly patient person, by that point I wanted nothing to do with anything related to the church. I stopped fighting the urges, moved to the neighborhood of a city with a large gay contingency, and stopped attending church altogether. I spent some time "enjoying my freedom," but ultimately ended up falling in love with a guy and pursuing a relationship with him.

But though my church had rejected me, God wouldn't let me go. Very gently, the Great Physician began to bind up the deep wounds in my heart and through great and small providences, to direct me to a church that, in spite of still believing gay sex is sinful, is very welcoming and loving towards gay people. It is a large conservative evangelical church, and I was able to sit in relative anonymity for several months, being in church for no purpose other than to meet with my God and cry to Him. My need of Him became even more apparent about a year and a half ago when, in a moment of deep depression, my boyfriend hung himself in our bedroom, and I found him hanging there.

God used this inexpressible tragedy and trauma (and continues to use it) in amazing ways to move me to the point where I am today. I share all this so that you can understand why I have been motivated to begin this blog. I have two realities.

First, I am a Christian. Like Jonah, I ran away from God as fast as I could, but He lovingly brought me to my knees and into His embrace. So, I have a deep-seated desire in my heart to please the One who loves me and comforts me each day.

But second, I am gay. For those reading this who don't like to use the term "gay" or who feel that sexual orientation terms should not be used for self-identity, please don't get hung up on the term at this point....we will no doubt have lively discussion about that in the days to come. For now, understand that, separate from any external factor that I can identify in my own life, I from a young age was emotionally and physically attracted to men in the way that many men are attracted to women. And while I have many female friends, I have never (no matter how hard I tried) felt that sort of attraction to a woman.

So where does my loyalty lie? That's easy....it is with my Savior. He bought me, redeemed me, and has reconciled me to God positionally (and continues to reconcile me to God practically each day). But I am not pressured anymore to maintain appearances to get people to like me. My church and those I grew up around rejected me. My conservative Christian college and seminary is embarrassed to have an alumnus such as I. My family loves me but wishes this blotch on my life would just go away. My unbelieving gay friends know me as a person unapologetic about my faith but not judgmental. (Interestingly, most of them are much kinder about my faith than my faith friends are about my sexuality. ) But I have been freed from concern for man's approval. My only reason even for keeping myself somewhat anonymous on this blog is just to avoid any distraction that self-identification might create from the purpose of the blog.

So I come to you open and honest about where I am. I am determined to figure out what the Bible says and to align myself with that.

That statement, no doubt, raises many questions in your mind. Do I believe Scripture prohibits gay sex under all circumstances? Are homosexual attractions themselves sinful? Can sincere Christians even discuss this or is the matter so clear in Scripture that mere discussion of it reveals a heart of rebellion? Check in soon for my next post, where I will explain my presuppositions, and then after that, my final introductory post will present my plan of attack for the blog in the days to come.

Thanks for coming along with me on this journey. May each of us stay on the path that God sets before us!

Click here to continue to the third introductory post.